On marriage

SolitaryRoad.com

Website owner:  James Miller

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On marriage

One of the most important things in life is a good marriage. The quality of your marriage affects you more importantly than probably anything else in life. There is not much that is better in life than a good marriage. And there is not much that is worse in life than a bad marriage. We live in a society in which if you rated a marriage on a scale from 1 to 10 I suspect most marriages would come in at less than 5 and probably most marriages much less than 5. Why is that?

My wife and I have, and have always had, a very happy and good marriage. Why? What are the reasons? Well, we like each other, we respect each other, we trust each other. I have a good opinion of my wife. She is a good person. And goodness is the most important thing in any person. I appreciate my wife. I appreciate her for what she is. And I think it is important to note that sex has absolutely nothing to do with it.

My wife is not perfect. She has a few weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections. We all do. If we demanded perfection none of us could be pleased. I simply accept her flaws and don’t let them bother me. That is the secret. I have seen enough of life to know what is really important and what isn’t. There are character flaws that could be extremely difficult to live with (like excessive pride or jealousy or sexual profligacy). I am thankful she doesn’t have them.

Flexibility is very important in a marriage. We are both flexible, wish to get along, and rarely have any serious arguments. Neither of us like argument. We are both peaceful people.

Unlike with so many marriages, we are actually, honestly friends. We are both considerate and polite with each other. Always. We are thoughtful of each other. She takes care of me and I take care of her. And it is not like our personalities are very similar. In fact, we are probably opposites in most ways. We do, however, have at least one thing in common. We both value decency and chastity. We are both clean, chaste, pure in language and conduct — always. Neither of us touch any pornography. That is the way both of us were raised and it is important to both of us. And we have been very happily married for 56 years.

I think the very best advice that one could give anyone is this: be kind, gentle, considerate, polite, reasonable, honest and flexible with your spouse. You want a spouse who honestly respects and loves you. You want a spouse who is an honest friend. You don’t want an enemy living with you in your house. You don’t want someone who despises you or hates you living with you. I can’t think of much that would be worse than that. To have a friend you have to be a friend.

Keep the climate in your home healthy and good. Don’t let it become adversarial or hostile.

In our society I think the biggest mistake people make is the emphasis on sex. That preoccupation is a very bad start. I think the mind set emphasizing romantic love and sex is the reason there are so many bad marriages in western society. People just don’t think right in picking a spouse. They marry for the wrong reasons. I suspect that the arranged marriages of eastern cultures result in stronger, longer lasting marriages than those of the West.

In the West it seems like most people don’t even believe in marriage. They just live together. Then they are free. They value their freedom. If they get tired of one partner they can simply move on to another. If things don’t work out it is easy to make a change. There are no messy, ugly divorces to worry about. And if some sexual temptation comes along it is easy to take advantage of it. It is a very natural attitude for a society whose focus is on lust and sex. I note that it involves fornication and children resulting from it are illegitimate. Having illegitimate children is, I think, a crime against children. It represents a great injustice to a child. There are all kinds of bad outcomes associated with children raised without fathers in the home. And, of course, from the Biblical outlook, sex outside marriage is immoral, high sin, and the penalty for it is hell.

I think a serious, thoughtful person will pick marriage as the right, wise, best way to go. It provides a legal, lifetime contract to back up the union. A legal contract gives security. It leads to real, honest commitment. The institution of marriage goes back many thousands of years and has been the accepted norm of countless very diverse cultures in both the East and the West. Only a very highly morally corrupt culture rejects marriage.

9 June 22